So often we go about life so nonchalantly. We say and do things with no care or after thought in mind. Not keeping in mind that life and death is truly in the power of the tongue. We allow our hurt and pain to take over and speak first with no thought of consequences. We allow our pain and hurt to consume us so much that we begin to build these walls around us to the point where we don’t trust people, and we become heartless. Basically, we become numb to the pain that we are feeling. We are so consumed by our pain that we don’t even go through the healing steps we just sweep it under the rug until it comes back up again. We sweep all this pain and hurt under the rug and then when that rug fills the room instead of dealing with the issues that are overflowing, we just start sweeping things under the rug in another room. We can no longer do this because it is toxic, and it disrupts your peace. Always remember your peace should never be shaken. What we are failing to realize when we just sweep this trauma under the rug is that we are preventing our own healing. When you become entangled in this hurt and pain you give the devil just what he wants. You give up on yourself. You disrupt your own peace.
Forgiveness is more than just a word. It’s more than just a chapter in a book that people choose to write about. It’s a process that for some can take more than just a couple days. It can be a journey to forgive someone. For me personally I can say I forgive but when something similar comes up that feels like that very thing, I just forgave you for I’m back at square one. Again, because forgiveness is delicate, and it can take time. Face your problems head on. No, it’s not going to be easy and it’s probably the hardest step in healing because you’re probably thinking why in the world would I forgive them for hurting me. You probably think they should be apologizing to you. Put that behind you because that is probably not going to happen. That is why we forgive for us, not the other person. So, here is the thing with forgiveness; you have to remember that when you forgive someone you are not doing it for them. You are doing it for your own healing. It is very possible for you to forgive someone and you still not want to continue a relationship with them. That’s ok. That’s also understandable. Now there are also people in my life that I have chosen to forgive and let back in my life. When you do that you have to set up boundaries for that person. Let them know that there are consequences. You can’t just let them all the way back in your life. They have to earn their spot. You have to let them know if you do this, then this is what will happen. If they chose not to honor those requests then you just forgive, and you move on. Your job is done, and your healing will continue. I know for a fact that the main problem with forgiveness is letting go and choosing to move on. I know because I feel the same way. I think we have to realize that some of us still have that little girl/boy inside that still needs healing. That little girl/boy is stuck in that grown woman/man body still wanting to be healed. Let that little girl/boy grow up! Facebook couldn’t have said it any better. Once, you heal the little girl/boy that is when the woman/man will show up. That is a very true statement. You can’t grow because you’re still trying to heal the child version of you. This is a continuing battle.
I will be transparent for a moment because I’m pretty sure I will be speaking for the majority of the women that read this blog post when I say this. Most of our pain doesn’t come from when we are grown it comes from childhood. Childhood and family trauma sticks to us like glue. We can’t shake it. More than that the fact that most women are fatherless doesn’t help the situation. Whether through him walking out, not being there at all, or any other circumstance it’s a pain that doesn’t go away. Trust me I know. God placed our father’s in our life for a reason; to be an example for what you will possibly look for in a husband. Our daddy is supposed to be the person that keeps the boys away but embarrass us at the same time. So, what happens when the person that is supposed to protect you isn’t around? What happens when that little girl is abandoned? Who teaches that boy to be a man? How to raise kids, or how to fight? Our parents are our glue, but little girl’s and their dads are supposed to have a bond that is unbreakable. When your dad isn’t around to acknowledge the beauty and admire you then you are left looking for love in the wrong places. By now your walls are already starting to be built around your heart. You begin to look for acknowledgement, and love in the wrong person. Not truly knowing what to look for because the one man that was in your life abandoned you. Now your stuck. I know. I was that little girl. Only thing with me was that I just shut myself off from everyone just made it especially hard for any man to enter my life. I would always wonder what was wrong with me that my daddy wasn’t around. Or, what I did wrong for him to leave. Even when it came to my stepdad in my life and my pops who is basically my cousin, but he is like a dad to me; I had both of these men in my life. I still managed to take my anger and hurt out on them. Thinking that since my real dad left me what makes them any different? I gave them pure HELL! Attitude was off the chain. I was just so angry that my daddy was in and out of my life. I just took it out on them. Looking at everything that has happened to me made me take a step back and realize that I was expecting something from my daddy that he never got from his parent’s. We have to realize that our parents aren’t perfect, and they learned from watching their parent’s. We can not expect anything from them that they never got from there parents. They don’t know how to show love if they never received or saw it. They could have seen toxic love therefore we get the same thing.
Travis Greene couldn’t have said it best, “All things are working for my good, he’s Intentional”. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe I was put on this earth to motivate and encourage people by just telling my story! Forgiveness might be the hardest part of the healing process. Why not heal so you can treat your kids better than your parents treated you. Be that man your dad never was! Be the mom your mom never was! Open those doors and lift up those rugs where all that pain and trauma is. Write your own story and stop letting someone else be the author of your own book. Tyler Perry made a quote that said, “Someone else’s dream is depending on you making it. Write your story! Heal, and live your best life for you! Always remember forgiveness is for you to move on not for the other person. You can forgive them in silence it doesn’t require you to write a letter or meet them face to face. Protect your peace at all cost.